Sigh.

When I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window. When I squeeze through a tight spot. When I huff and puff when others seem to be breezing by. These are the times when I get hit. When it hits me that I am, in fact, fat. But I don’t always feel fat. This, I believe, is a huge hindrance for me. But occasionally reality will slap me in the face, reminding me that I’m living in a fantasy world. Reality lurks menacingly in dressing rooms, in mirror reflections, in my pants that get too tight. And that’s when I eat. And I tell myself not to feel guilty because, “You’re starting a new diet on Monday…you can just start over.” or “You’re joining Weight Watchers in a week…you can begin afresh then.” So many excuses. So many, “Tomorrow is a new day”‘s Too many. When does it stop? When do I get my epiphany? When is it going to be enough? I find that I’m losing myself. My usually bright, cheery, hilarious self is fading. And in its place is this person I don’t recognize. Someone who can’t go out with friends in public. Someone who would rather stay at home with her nose in a book. Someone who can’t participate with her kids activities because she doesn’t feel up to it. I’ve wasted 8 years of my kids life saying, “It’s going to be better this time.” There are no more “This time”‘s. This is it. It has to be it.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sharilee
    Sep 12, 2009 @ 01:03:38

    Hi … I am just reading your blog for the first time, and really identify with what you write. You express it so well … that forgetfulness that you are fat. Wow! Because we are still the same people that we were before, we don’t always remember that we are fat! I feel your pain … and it has to get better! Take care!

    Reply

  2. bluenotes
    Oct 07, 2009 @ 05:16:27

    okay… again… i feel like you are writing my thoughts exactly. I’ve always been kind of chubby, but until recently I was never “obese”. I hit 200 pounds a few weeks ago and kind of flipped out. and I remember waking up one day and stretch marks just covering my stomach…and they were never there before. and i knew that they had been there before, but I refused to look at my stomach and see how big it was. I used to try to ignore my weight, but now it’s to the point where I can’t. Like you said. Reality hits hard.

    Reply

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