Sick as a dog…

I’m so sick.  I won’t go into details to save you some horrific images that you just don’t need…but let’s just say that the bathroom and I have become very good friends today.

But. I did decide to drag my sick ass to WW tonight.  I just couldn’t see waiting another week to jump back in.  Sick or not.  So I get there.  I take my coat off.  I make my small pleasantries with the weigh-in lady and I step on.  Sure that I’ve probably gained an additional 2 or 3 pounds to the 2.8 that I gained the last time I was there.  (Last time the scale read 290.4.)

I’m looking at the number and it’s not computing.  It says 286.0.  Really? Weigh-in lady sings, “You lost 4.4 lbs!!”  Me: “Wow. Shocked and appalled.”

Is it possible to expel over 4 lbs of grossness into the toilet?  Just saying.  I’ve not been good.  I’ve not been horrible but I’ve not been good. I’ve not exercised a lick in weeks.

Please don’t let it just be because I’m sick.

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Part II–Promises, promises

I promise:

  • to jump back on whole-heartedly the day after Christmas.
  • to not go insane just because I’m not following program to a T and eat everything in sight over the next 3 days.
  • to be into this journey 100% in 2010.
  • to lose 50 lbs by next time this year.
  • to not make anymore excuses.
  • to live life to the fullest.
  • to teach my kids better habits.
  • to be a better mom.
  • to read this list every single day.

Not today, I’ve got a headache.

Geez. I can always come up with a great excuse not to jump back on that proverbial wagon. Today it was because my mom wanted to eat at Sonic. So instead of ordering healthy, I did not. I won’t bore you with the sordid details of what I ate. But it wasn’t good. Well, it was good, but you know, it wasn’t good. I also had a side of guilt to go along with it.

I’m terrified to find out how much of those hard lost 15 lbs I’ve gained back. How do you guys who’ve lost so much weight do it? Where the hell do I find that willpower?

A new path?

At first I wanted this blog to be a place to air my dirty little secret…my weight.  But I don’t just have to talk about that here.  There’s so much more to me than this monkey on my back.

P.S. The monkey on my back?  It’s not going anywhere right now. And it sucks.  Suuccckksss.  Dammit. I’ve not been to WW in like 2 weeks.  And when I did go back a couple weeks ago? 2.8 lbs of that monkey had found me.  Dammit!! (Did I say that already?)   Why the feck can I gain 2.8 lbs in two weeks but it takes me like 3-4 to lose that much?  Dam.mit.

Dear Holidays,

I’m sorry that I’m using you for my scapegoat, but I am.  Please go away so I can continue on my merry little path of prying this damned fat ass monkey off my fecking back.

Love,

K-Swizzle

Um yea.

I made it 9 minutes. Wth?

Shred It

I’m going to try to do The Shred five days a week for the entire 6 weeks that I’m out of school on break. And more than just 7 minutes of it. Ok…here I go.

Some days, like today, I feel totally over it.  I just want to be done with this endeavor.  I’m tired of buing clothes that look so cute online only to try them on and feel like a whale and return everything.

I’ve lost 15 pounds.  To a 150 pound person that would be amazing…but when there’s so much covering everything else up, those 15 pounds means jack shit.  To the eye anyway.  I’m tired of the spare tire around my midsection.  That spot that one time got the comment, “Oh my god, look how flat your tummy is!!”  Yes. My sister said that to me once.  When it was flat…12 years ago.

I still have 85 pounds to go.  Yes, it’s better than 100, but it’s still an amazingly huge number to me.  I know, I know–stop looking at the big picture.  Some day I’ll come back to this and see how far I’ve come.

I don’t want to give up this time.  This time next year, I want to have hit that goal, to have moved on, to just.be.happy.   I want to randomly break out in dance in the middle of an aisle in the store.  I want to go out with friends and not feel like the “fat one.”  I want to quit being embarrassing to myself.  I want to wear cute clothes.

I fucking want to not be fat anymore.

Curvy would be good.  Just not fucking fat.