Some days, like today, I feel totally over it.  I just want to be done with this endeavor.  I’m tired of buing clothes that look so cute online only to try them on and feel like a whale and return everything.

I’ve lost 15 pounds.  To a 150 pound person that would be amazing…but when there’s so much covering everything else up, those 15 pounds means jack shit.  To the eye anyway.  I’m tired of the spare tire around my midsection.  That spot that one time got the comment, “Oh my god, look how flat your tummy is!!”  Yes. My sister said that to me once.  When it was flat…12 years ago.

I still have 85 pounds to go.  Yes, it’s better than 100, but it’s still an amazingly huge number to me.  I know, I know–stop looking at the big picture.  Some day I’ll come back to this and see how far I’ve come.

I don’t want to give up this time.  This time next year, I want to have hit that goal, to have moved on, to just.be.happy.   I want to randomly break out in dance in the middle of an aisle in the store.  I want to go out with friends and not feel like the “fat one.”  I want to quit being embarrassing to myself.  I want to wear cute clothes.

I fucking want to not be fat anymore.

Curvy would be good.  Just not fucking fat.

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